i fell in love with a spineless narcissist

 

Quarantine is rough. While I'm not alone in feeling that way in a global sense, I am physically alone. Surely there are plenty of struggles that come with being isolated with a significant other, roommate, or family members, but I tend to think it would be a little less mind-melting than it is to be in lockdown alone. I may also be feeling that a little harder because I'm one of those lucky people who went through a break-up in quarantine. And worse yet, I went through a secret one. 

I've been in my own kind of isolation for the last couple of years — with this secret. Very few people in my life knew anything about it and it's not easy to explain. So, I'll just blurt it out: I was involved in an emotional affair with an engaged man. That's the first time I ever wrote that out and, let me tell you, it was a kick to the gut. I am not proud of it. Nevertheless, it was so incredibly hard to break off. Yes, you read that correctly, I was the one who broke it off. Not the engaged half of this equation. Some people are of the opinion that an emotional affair is not a legitimate affair, but I think a majority of those people are of the male persuasion. 

I guess it would also be harder to face yourself if you admitted that you were doing something blatantly wrong behind your fiancées' back. I guess if you considered an emotional affair legitimate you would have to take responsibility for leading someone who loved you on and wasting her time for the last 3 or so years. It's no doubt easier to drift back and forth on the line between friends and more-than-friends than it would be to break something off with someone you do have feelings for. I mean, in the end, that's what was happening. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too. He wanted to continue to text and call me late into the night, to surprise me with gifts and feel like a hero when it was convenient for him to do so. He liked showing up at my apartment and getting lavished with attention on his own terms. He wanted to maintain control and to feel like the good guy even when he wasn't. He didn't want any of that to stop. But he has to sleep at night and he has to look his fiancée in the eye and tell her he loves her. So, he has to tell himself that this is normal friend behavior. 

I fell in love with a spineless narcissist and I miss him. Don't be like me.