Unfortunately I've been doing a lot of thinking about a dark topic; death. It's only human to consider our own mortality; especially following a loss of a loved one. Not to mention I can't even escape it while watching a new episode of Real World (I can't be the only one that was crying my eyes out watching that!). But anyway, I wouldn't say that Don the Pirate and I were super close. But his loss was jarring to me. I have known him as long as I can remember and had begun to see him more and more in the past few years as I became more and more immersed in the Millville Art District. He was good friends with my eldest brother throughout high school and, like with a majority of my two brothers' friends, he took on a sisterly relationship with me; one where he looks out for me and never hits on me. Which is something Jamie probably can't say about Don! His personality was a bit much for some people and his fondness of drinking could rub people the wrong way at times, but I never joined in on bashing him. He was a good person who provided me with my first opportunity to play out live during Millville's Third Friday and even made me a guitar strap. He was a sweet, unique guy and he'll be missed. Not to be disrespectful, but this whole thing has put too many not-so-fond memories of someone else into my mind. Moving on is deceptive. You never really do. It's purely an illusion that you fool yourself with so that you can function. At least for me. When you haven't carried a weight for awhile, it always seems a lot heavier than you remember it being. I hate the pain I get in my throat and my chest when I think of him. I can feel the tears coming on and I fight them back, but the pain of doing so is really unfair. I've been successful at work on the most part (asides from one day when I had to keep going to the bathroom to breathe - but overall I've just been sad. I just miss him. I hate all this living I keep doing without hearing from him or talking to him. I hate thinking all the last things that I said to him. At random times I'll blurt something out extremely personal (like at a Borders open mic) and today I did that at work to a co-worker. This girl Rachel was telling me she wanted to do something with her hair and this naturally turned to talk about my own hair and how long it is. I told her that I had been growing it for years and I wouldn't cut it. And she said, "Is that the rock star with you?" and I blurted out that someone I was close to had passed and he had always wanted to grow his hair really long so I just stopped cutting my hair. She just said, "Aww" and went on talking about her desire to get highlights, but I turned quickly to fold shirts and busy myself. I was feeling incredibly uncomfortable. I hate when I do that. I hate how it just comes out without much control.
I know that this post is pretty dark, pathetic, and long, but I have to get these thoughts out of my head. Just in hopes that it'll help me to deal with them better. If not for my mental health, but for the well being of my nose. It's pretty tired of being blown (that's what she said). I apologize to my "readers". Don't hate on me for disabling my comments either.
